Fake Women Sports Fans: Please Stop

If you are a woman, this article is for you. If you are a man, it is your job to seek out a woman and show her this article.

Now that that's out of the way, this piece comes on the heels of the Yankees' season-ending defeat at the hands of the Detroit Tigers. Look, I'm a Mets fan, so I took great joy in this. But while discussing this over social media, my buddy, Joe Soldano, was upset with another aspect of fanhood after a crushing defeat that most of us know to well: women that pose as big-time sports fans during playoff time to feel socially included. Here's Joe's comment to show you what I mean:

"Girl Yankee Fan: I'm so mad the Yankees lost...wanna watch Real Housewives?

Guy Yankee Fan: -_-

Nothing against girls personally. I know all these girls like to think they're just as big of fans of sports as guys, but it's two completely different worlds. After something like this, our lives are empty for about five months, whereas girls' lives continue like nothing happened in five minutes."

I thought this summed up perfectly how men feel in this situation. My message to girls, and I'm not going to get into a psychoanalysis of this, but men hate women that do that do that, especially because it almost always comes at a bad time. It drives us up a wall, and makes us go into "I don't hit women but if I did I'd start with you" mode. If you are a woman that tries to talk sports to be included in the social hoopla that comes with it, but don't truly know the subject matter, we will notice almost instantly and lose respect for you.

If you are a girl that is a legitimate fan, this need not apply to you. But to the rest of you, and you all know who you are (actually, some of you may not understand which side you are on, and the bottom line is if you don't, you're not a legitimate fan), here's my advice on how you should approach sports from here on out: either go all in, or all out...learn what you're watching, or just hop off the bandwagon. It's fine, we won't be mad. I'm not saying never throw on a game, and it's certainly alright to watch or go to games with others who enjoy sports, but unless you know what you're talking about, keep the comments to a bare minimum. And don't you dare say "Let's go (fill in the blank of successful team)!" in a big game if you haven't spoken about them all year. I can't stress this enough.

Talking about sports is almost like speaking another language; it takes years of watching to learn the vernacular. Failing to understand this point often results in something like this:

Here's what you write online: "Let's go Yankees! Red Socks and Big Poppy suck!!!"

Here's what you sound like to you: "Let's go Yankees! Red Sox and Big Papi suck!!!"

Here's what you sound like to us: "Yay Yankees, score a touchdown goal unit basket! Red Sox suck because they're playing us even though I don't even know anything about them!!! And I hate Big Papi, but why does everyone also hate this David Ortiz guy, lolz?"

So yeah, don't do that. Commenting on sports in public without knowing the lingo is as risky as going to Mexico and trying to survive on the Spanish you learned in sixth grade. Here's me, completely off the top of my head (I was an A student in Spanish from sixth grade through college, by the way), trying to tell someone in Spanish that his cat's pants are on fire...

Me: Los gatos pantelones esta en fuego.
Him: This guy is an idiot

Now, you're probably thinking, "alright, well if my man thinks I sound like an idiot when I talk about sports, I'm not going to listen to him speak of them either. WRONG. Wrong? Yes, wrong. Do you think your husband/boyfriend/booty call wants to hear about how Carla from accounting is such a bitch because she arranged her desk in a yellow and blue pattern and now you're boss commented on how nice it looks even though you already told her that was your idea? Or that on the Real Hookers of New Dorp Beach, Lexus hooked up with Ralphie even though he's already going out with Jenny and has a baby with Alexa? Hell, I got bored just typing that. But we nod our heads and listen to you anyway. Sports is our Real Hookers of New Dorp Beach; if we have to vent, just nod your head and pretend you know what we're talking about, especially when we're upset over it. It means more than you realize.

Here's one final thought. If you find yourself watching a game, getting into it, and feel you must make a social commentary on it, just throw in a disclaimer. Something to the effect of, "I'm not a big football fan, but this Super Bowl is pretty exciting!" Even saying, "I root for the Jets because Mark Sanchez is so sexy," is way better than trying to come off like you've always loved the team and you're a huge fan.

You'll earn a hell of a lot more respect with being honest and forthright. Just keep in mind that the same advice your parents always gave you about life rings true about being a sports fan: don't try and be something that you're not.

Hell in a Cell Thoughts & Opinions

Below is an account of what I took away after watching last night's WWE's Hell in a Cell pay-per-view.

Christian vs. Sheamus [6.5/10]
First off, we see Miz and R-Truth being kicked out by Marty Funkhauser even though they bought a ticket. Super stoked to see them back, and I have a feeling that won't be the last time before the night's over.

As I stated in my Night of Champions review, I generally fast-forward most of Sheamus' matches, but I usually watch Christian's matches, and it was the first match of the night, so it offset. Thought it was actually a pretty good match, Sheamus was the obvious winner...nothing much else to say here since it really didn't leave either character in any direction going forward for the future based off the matchup.

Mark Henry Backstage Interview
I'm attempting to give Henry the benefit of the doubt with this title reign and trying to get behind it, but he has to start showing a little more during these promos between tonight and Smackdown; they just seem a little too scripted. If I were running his segments, I'd let him go out there and improv whatever his topic was, that way we'd find out if he either has it or not on the mic. Odds are he doesn't, but at least we'd know.

Sin Cara vs. Sin Cara [3/10]
Allow me to go on a mini-rant for a moment. Not only have I completely tuned out (in fact, I was never tuned in) on the whole Sin Cara gimmick, but I think everyone else has too. No pop or heat either way, and, as I was hoping would happen, two "boring" chants broke out. The blue and yellow lights are so damn distracting and annoying. You can't have a foreign guy that doesn't speak English trying to get over on his own anymore. The Mexican Lucha style doesn't mix with WWE's face/heel back and forth style. Everyone knows that wrestling is scripted, but the Lucha moves are more often than not too fake. Not to mention half the moves are a modified hurricanrana.

With that off my chest, the babyface Sin Cara wins in a botchfest. A moonsault on the outside was overshot, and a dropkick missed by almost two feet. There may have been another one, I don't remember. Sadly, they still probably won't nix the Sin Cara gimmick because he looks like a cartoon character, is marketable towards children, and apparently they need a "next" Rey Mysterio. I'd suggest looking elsewhere...and getting someone that can speak our language on national television.

David Otunga/CM Punk Backstage Segment
So all of a sudden Otunga is playing up his Harvard law degree, so he transforms into Carlton Banks. Would have thought there would have been a quick mention of the two of them being in New Nexus together recently, but perhaps that's a bit nitpicky. I just wanted to make the Carlton Banks joke. Aaaaand...done.

Air Boom (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger (WWE Tag Team Titltes) [7.5/10]
Alright, finally onto some positives for this event. First off, aside from a five-minute lull where WWE mandates that the heels in a tag team match have to bore the audience with vanilla submissions, this was a good match. Secondly, aside from the fact that I think Kofi and Bourne don't get to talk enough, I feel WWE's effort to rebuild the tag team division has been spot-on, with Air Boom booked in two consecutive rivalries against quality opponents, while winning and retaining as well, thus gaining credibility in the process. WWE was going to need a strong babyface team to help rebuild this thing, and so far, so good. The next step would be to have a more personal, heated feud built around promos and the like, or a solid third team step in, garnering even more credibility with multiple teams vying for those titles at the same time.

Mark Henry (c) vs. Randy Orton (World Heavyweight Championship; Hell in a Cell Match) [5/10]
I'll get to my opinions on the Hell in a Cell as a gimmick match later on, but first let me talk a little more about Mark Henry (that's a sentence I never thought I'd type). I feel the concept of Mark Henry as champ is caught between a rock in a hard place. On one hand, power move driven offense, while dominating and slowly grinding down opponents is exactly how he should be booked as the title holder. The problem with that is, and it's the same problem that every big, power guy has had since the beginning of time: it's boring. No one wants to watch it, and halfway through the match the fans just get tired of even booing, so it doesn't even draw proper heat or get the fans invested in the big babyface comeback.

The other thing that's not helping is that you need a really exciting babyface to be the counter to that in a match. Randy Orton is not that guy. If anything, Orton is negative exciting in that he takes away from the existing excitement wherever he goes. Nineteen times out of twenty, I would have skimmed through this match, but I wanted to see what they would do inside the cell.

Having said all that, the match was booked near-perfect to how it should have went: Henry slowly wearing Orton down, Orton gets one final flurry of offense and possible finisher before being quickly put away with Henry retaining the title to keep building credibility as champ...and it was a total snoozer. This is the conundrum of having a big, slow, powerful heel as champion. Even when done right, it's still boring.

Cody Rhodes In-Ring Promo/Impromtu Match vs. John Morrison [6/10]
I'm still not big on Rhodes (judging by my commentary here, you would think I've hated this night so far, but it actually hasn't been that bad), and I still can't understand why a facial injury somehow made his voice sound like a cross between Kane and the Emperor from Star Wars, which I stated last time. Thought it was interesting that WWE has decided to use a white version of the old Intercontinental belt. Usually I'm cool with bringing back older versions of belts, but I think they got the wrong one here (umm...trash the blinged out WWE title and bring back the winged eagle belt, hello!). I actually really liked the IC title that's been around since the Attitude era.

Marty Funkhauser comes out and explains Triple H has made a match for right now. I love impromtu matches; wish they did more of them on pay-per-views. The match itself was decent, although the outcome made JoMo look weak. Morrison was the equivalent to an NFL team being a three-point underdog at home (being ready to compete while Rhodes was dressed for the country club), and not only losing but not even being able to cover the spread, with Rhodes beating him clean.

Kelly Kelly (c) vs. Beth Phoenix (Divas Championship) [6.5/10]
Thank God, Beth finally won the title...I have no idea what the hell made them take so long. The match wasn't bad; Beth looked good. That submission that her and Natalya have been doing the past week is pretty damn awesome looking. Not to rip Kelly, but she's gotta go; her voice and screams during her matches are like nails on a chalkboard. Plus, she's just not believable as a competitor that you'd take as a serious threat in the ring. Like Mark Henry, but obviously for different reasons, their detriments might not be their fault, but that's the way it goes.

John Cena (c) vs. CM Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio (WWE Championship; Hell in a Cell Match) [7.5/10]
Overall, I felt the match was pretty good for the PG era, I just wish they wouldn't have followed the typical WWE triple threat formula where one guy is injured outside while the other two go at it. The whole night I was hoping someone from either HIAC match would end up outside the cage, so I felt getting Cena out and then locking him out was pretty nifty. I really expected Cena to retain, so I was a little stunned when after winning the title from Del Rio, Alberto won it back. I don't get that, nor do I buy Del Rio as champ.

Again, I don't want to sound nitpicky because I did think the match was good and had a nice pace, but I felt like a lot was left on the table at the end of the match. To me, I was anticipating and hoping that they would find a cool way for Cena to get back in the cell. Maybe I let my imagination get away a bit when I thought maybe he'd climb the cell and somehow get back in through the top, but the bottom line is, I felt that they had a great concept but then dropped the ball by not doing something awesome to get him back in, even if he wasn't going to win. (I understand Cena is no Stone Cold, but you can bet your ass that Austin would have went to the back and drove an actual bulldozer down to the ring through that side of the cage...these are the type of moments that WWE absolutely can make happen now in the PG era, but aren't.)

As for the chaos that took place with the Miz and R-Truth attacking everyone in the cell while the locker room tried to get in at the end, culminating with them giving themselves up for arrest, I thought it was great and, as any great storyteller should do, left the fans wanting more and wanting to know what the hell is going to happen next.

Anyway, before I finish this up, let me share some thoughts on the Hell in a Cell match in general. I think it's overused. A HAIC match should be something that takes place once every few years, making it a true must-see when it happens. How am I supposed to think and feel that these guys' "careers are on the line" and that they'll "never be the same again" when they do two of them a year and everyone comes out fine? Also, a HAIC match is one of the few things in wrestling that flat-out needs blood to personify the cell as a truly demonic being, which WWE always tries to make come across to viewers. If anything, now, in the PG era, would be the perfect time for that. No one ever bleeds anymore. But if it happens in the cell...now that becomes a spectacle where it's believable that people actually are in way more danger than any other match.

Lastly, even if it becomes predictable like it did after the first two or three Hell in a Cell matches, the wrestlers need to leave the cell one way or another. Because when you're watching one, all anyone is thinking about is, "how are they gonna get out of the cell?", and when a match ends and it doesn't happen, there's just an empty feeling like something was missing. I think that's why I felt the way I did about Cena getting back in the cell, because the other half of the equation is, what messed up way are they gonna get back in the cell afterward. They got one part right, but I was left wanting more, and not in the good way.

My overall grade for the even is like a 6/10, which I'd rank about average.

Night of Champions Thoughts & Opinions

Below is an account of what I took away after watching WWE's Night of Champions pay-per-view.

Air Boom (c) vs. Awesome Truth (Tag Team Titles)
I was really looking forward to this match and for the most part, it delivered. Let me go on record as saying that I think that The Miz and R-Truth as a tag team have a legitimate chance of becoming this generation's Edge and Christian as a comedy tag team that are taken seriously in the ring and that we are always happy to see grab a mic, which will be often. I also think it's awesome that the tag team division has been revitalized for the very reason that guys like Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne won't get lost in the shuffle as often. Although the match was thrown out, the ending totally made sense and I was fine with it considering that they're trying to sell the conspiracy angle for Miz and Truth. The moment Bourne tagged in without actually tagging in, I got all excited and yelled conspiracy!, and then later when Miz and Truth had a legit tag that went unnoticed. Loved the story of the match and where this is going for both teams.

Cody Rhodes (c) vs. Ted Dibiase (Intercontinental Title)
Honestly, I fast-forwarded through this. Absolutely no interest in Rhodes at all. Don't understand why he has to sound like the emperor from Star Wars, or Kane from a few years back. He doesn't even need the mask anymore and the gimmick is getting real old. Always thought Dibiase had potential, but they've done nothing with him and this match had just been thrown together. I didn't watch it, because I'm basically just shrugging my shoulders at this whole situation.

Christian/Sheamus In-Ring Promo Segment
It sucks that Christian wasn't on the card (and on an unrelated not, Bryan Danielson for that matter, too), but what can you do. Christian, as always, was great on the mic and it was interesting to basically see the whole crowd on his side for "one more match" when obviously they're not supposed to. I honestly don't really like Sheamus, and fast-forward all his matches, but even the unbiased side of me thinks he's really terrible as a babyface. He's not funny, not interesting, and unless you're Irish, which, considering all the nationalities that make up a WWE audience, there's not a big percentage, his promos about his motherland aren't really that compelling. This Sheamus as a face thing just isn't working out.

Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Jack Swagger vs. John Morrison vs. Alex Riley (US Title)
Pretty decent match here. Even though it seemed like an obvious prediction going in, I really thought Swagger was going to win to add that dynamic to the Ziggler/Swagger/Vickie triangle, so it was interesting that they kept the title on Ziggler, whom I am a fan of. It would be really nice to see Dolph get a drawn-out, well written feud soon. With Vickie's post-match backstage promo taking credit for Ziggler's win, it would appear that Dolph's time dealing with her may be running out soon, anyway.

Randy Orton (c) vs. Mark Henry (World Heavyweight Championship)
I have to say that over the past year, Orton has probably become my most unliked guy in WWE. And by that, I mean that when he comes on TV, I go, "ugh, this guy is so f'n boring, I can't take it anymore." See, at least with Cena, he might be corny as all hell, but at least he's somewhat interesting in the fact that the crowd is always hot one way or the other when he's in the ring doing something. Orton is just flat out boring. So when Mark Henry won, it was awesome to see shots of stupid girls in the crowd looking bummed out. Anyway, as for Henry, I gotta say...I'm kinda, sorta, maybe buying it. I wasn't at all until that final promo on Smackdown, which wasn't great by any stretch, but was more than solid enough to get behind him a bit, which is about four hundred times more than I could ever say for any Mark Henry storyline push. The title match itself was not exciting, but booked excellently, with Henry being dominant and winning clean, and his post-match promo was very good as well, especially when he said he wasn't sharing the moment with "none of ya'll!" With a little more mic time, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but Mark Henry has potential to be a halfway decent champ.

CM Punk/John Laurinaitus Backstage Promo
I'm skipping past the Del Rio portion and only mentioning this segment because I thought it was awesome when Punk used Larry David's "pretty, pretty" line when saying that "that almost sounded pretty, pretty sincere". Seriously, I've checked to see if Laurinaitis had an IMDB page three times the past few months just to make sure that he doesn't actually play Marty Funkhauser on Curb Your Enthusiasm. It's awesome Punk is acknowledging the obvious, and hilarious, similarities.

Kelly Kelly (c) vs. Beth Phoenix (WWE Divas Championship)
Ugh, they dropped the ball hardcore here. Believe it or not, this was one of the top three matches from a storyline perspective that I was looking forward to seeing (which actually speaks high to what WWE has been doing lately with its lesser divisions), and they blew it. Look, I've always thought Beth Phoenix was a top tier women's talent, and this whole Divas of Doom angle has been the first time I've been interested in a women's division storyline since...Trish Stratus was around? With Beth losing to Kelly two straight pay-per-views, and Natalya losing to Kelly on a Raw in between, they've just completely OBLITERATED any credibility and momentum that the team had. What a waste and terrible to decision to keep the title on Kelly. Worst moment of the night.

Alberto Del Rio (c) vs. John Cena (WWE Championship)
It's not often I root for Cena in a storyline (and even here, I'm using the word "root" loosely), but I'm just not buying what Del Rio is selling, and I don't think anyone else really is either. As a person who generally roots for heels, I wanted to like Del Rio, but I just don't. The guy offers nothing either on the mic or in the ring of any interest. Even though I technically want Cena to win this feud, it's hard not to sit in disgust and watch Cena get that title back again after just losing it for the millionth time. At this rate, Cena is going to pass Flair by next June.

CM Punk vs. Triple H
Just like the events during this match, my attempt to write anything coherent is jumbled. No complaints really, and the match itself was pretty decent, and I totally get and even buy everything they were trying to accomplish storyline-wise, but everything was a bit complicated and busy is all. Just so many moving parts between the two competitors themselves, Miz and R-Truth, the two referees, Marty Funkhauser, then Kevin Nash, all the while Trips and Punks are going back and forth between fighting outsiders off and having their own match, it was just a bit much. Thought it would have been much more interesting if Trips lost and in the process lost the COO gig, but I'm not going to complain and do armchair booking between "they should have done this so they can do that", because I'm sure they've got it covered. Plus, the match left a lot of questions to be answered on Raw.

Overall, I thought it was a pretty good PPV. Nothing spectacular, but very solid. Plus it kept all the storylines moving forward. Let's see where they go from here.

NFC Divisional Predictions

(No long, hundred-thousand word, well-constructed article this time around...just a quick glance at how I think the standings will play out this year in the NFC off the top of my head.)

NFC East

1. Dallas Cowboys (11-5)
It's tough for Jerry Jones' Cowboys to ever be a "sleeper", but with so much hype over the Eagles, they kind of fit the bill. Granted, this prediction is solely based on health, especially Tony Romo's, but this is a ridiculous offense in the making. Postseason flubs aside, they've always been a good regular season team under Romo, and now that he'll be around for a full year with Dez Bryant to go along with Austin and Witten, two receivers whom he already has a good rapport with, and there's some great options. Also, I think with Felix Jones finally getting the starting gig, he has top five running back potential and is my prime candidate for breakout star, a la Arian Foster last season. Expect Dallas to win in a lot of shootouts.

2. Philadelphia Eagles (11-5, Wild Card)
I don't fully buy the hype right now. Maybe next year, but not in 2011. Aside from the new signees having a short period of time to learn the new system, Michael Vick will have to be as good as he was last season for them to live up to the hype. Forget the injury risks that come with him, but he put up unbelievable numbers last year, especially when it came to avoiding interceptions; that won't be easy to repeat. Still, they do have a very good team and they should practically be a lock to make the playoffs. Like Jones for Dallas, look for LeSean McCoy to get much more national exposure.

3. New York Giants (8-8)
The Giants might be DOA at the get-go based on all of their defensive injuries during the preseason. They'll have to start strong to have a chance, considering the second half of their schedule features games against the Cowboys twice, Patriots, Eagles, Saints, Packers, and Jets. Fortunately for them, they essentially only play seven road games with the game against the Jets coming on the "road". The offense is going to really have to carry the team for them to have a chance. I'd look for the Giants to struggle this year, get a cushy schedule for next, and come back strong in 2012.

4. Washington Redskins (5-11)
The Skins could be looking at 0-5 (Giants, Cardinals, Cowboys, Rams, Eagles), before they know what hit them. The Grossman/Beck quarterback platoon shouldn't exactly incite fear in opposing defenses, and the Tim Hightower bandwagon might come off the track when he's seeing eight men in the box on every carry.

NFC North

1. Green Bay Packers (12-4)
I can't decide between 13-3 or 11-5 for them this year, so 12-4 it is. In any event, the champs are pretty loaded and are likely the league's most well-rounded team. Aaron Rodgers will be poised for a defense of his WCW title at Wrestlemania 28 Super Bowl XLVI. 

2. Detroit Lions (8-8)
I can't do it, I just can't. I want to type "9-7" so badly, but much like I claimed against the Browns...it's the Lions. I have to see it to believe the hype. I also have to see Matthew Stafford stay healthy for a full season, too. We should know what type of season they're heading for with how they start the first three weeks against somewhat formidable opponents, but opponents that good teams beat. Even so, for the millions on the LBP (Lions Playoff Bandwagon), they'll need a strong start because four of their last six are against the Packers twice, the Saints, and the Chargers.

3.Chicago Bears (8-8)
Tough start to the season, with the Falcons, Saints, and Packers, but it gets easier from then on. Still, it'd be hard to believe that the Bears will be as good as last season, and one of their key weapons, Devin Hester's kickoff return ability, just got negated by the rule change. They also added Dallas' baggage in Marion Barber and Roy Williams, so that's not a good sign.

4. Minnesota Vikings (6-10)
I truly don't know what to think about this team. The one thing I know is that they're not good. Poor Adrian Peterson. From Tavaris Jackson, to an over the hill Brett Favre, to an over the hill Donovan McNabb. Can this guy get a decent quarterback in his prime?

NFC South

1. Atlanta Falcons (11-5)
I originally had the Saints slated here, in part because I hate going with trendy teams like the Falcons (it usually backfires), but this offense is that good, and the defense isn't too shabby either. If Julio Jones is as good as they hope, this is gonna be one tough offense to stop. 

2. New Orleans Saints (11-5, Wild Card)
The Saints are essentially everything we know they've been the past few years under Drew Brees, nothing more, nothing less. That should be enough to get them a good record and a playoff spot.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-8)
Josh Freeman, LeGarette Blount, and Mike Williams are a really nice core who are all trending upwards. Not having the creampuff schedule again will hurt, but having a worse record this year shouldn't be a negative. They have a bright future, but have some more building to do.

4. Carolina Panthers (3-13)
If nothing else, they should be an interesting team based on the intrigue of Cam Newton. They'll probably be in a lot more games than their record will indicate.

NFC West

1. Arizona Cardinals (8-8)
I have no intelligent analysis here; my Cards prediction is based off almost nothing that has to do with them: I think the Rams are better but their schedule begins way too tough, the other teams are a crap taco, and I only think they'll have eight wins because I'm picking them to win the division and it'd be unbelievable if a team with a losing record won their division and made the playoffs after it had never been done once before. I'm shrugging my shoulders at the Cardinals and moving on. (Author's note: I think I've incorrectly predicted the NFC West champ like seven years in a row...sorry Arizona.) 

2. St. Louis Rams (7-9)
I think they're a halfway decent team on the upswing who is the best team in the division, but here's how their schedule starts: Eagles, at Giants, Ravens, Redskins, at Packers, at Cowboys, Saints. I wouldn't be shocked if they won one or two of those games, but they very might well be 1-6 going into the back nine. Granted, that still might be good enough to keep them in the division race. Can we please just contract the NFC West already?

3.Seattle Seahawks (3-12-1)
Tavaris Jackson.

4. San Francisco 49ers (3-12-1)
Alex Smith...for the seventh straight year.

AFC Divisional Predictions

(No long, hundred-thousand word, well-constructed article this time around...just a quick glance at how I think the standings will play out this year in the AFC off the top of my head.)

AFC East

1. New England Patriots (14-2)
The Pats will be the best team in football this year. Too many offensive weapons and a monstrous defensive line. Their secondary is still below average, but they made impactful additions on both sides of the ball. The fact that they'll be looking for blood after being outed by the rival Jets in the playoffs makes them very dangerous. Scary team.

2. New York Jets (10-6, Wild Card)
The Jets took a big hit being unable to resign key players in order to get under the new salary cap. The typically top-notch offensive line is now questionable outside of Mangold and Ferguson, the defensive, although very good, is a little overrated. What's underrated is losing Edwards and his good rapport with Sanchez, along with their wild cat formation with Brad Smith. That will be a problem they'll have all year and will help contribute to their first-round playoff exit. (Author's note: The realistic Jets fan in me believes that other Jets fans will take the two AFC title game appearances for granted and expect them to, at the least, make it back there again and will be shocked as they get bounced in the first round or narrowly miss the playoffs and say, "hey, wait a minute...aren't we supposed to go to the title game?" Second author's note: The pessimistic Jets fan in me believes a heart-breaking loss to the Giants in week 16 will take the Jets out of playoff contention, while also doubling as the highlight of the season for the third place G-Men.) 

3. Miami Dolphins (5-11)
Not that Kyle Orton is the second coming of Dan Marino, but the Dolphins really should have pushed harder to acquire him from Denver in a trade. Now they'll be stuck with Chad Henne and Matt Moore all year. Their only hope is that Reggie Bush somehow learns to play in the pros after all these years, although, that's obviously highly unlikely.

4. Buffalo Bills (4-12)
I literally just sat here for the last five minutes trying to think of something, anything of interest to say about the Bills. Yeah, that about sums it up.

AFC North

1. Pittsburgh Steelers (13-3)
Ben Roethlisberger for all sixteen, a healthy Troy Polamalu, Mike Wallace ready to become an elite receiver, and the best defense in football. It's never cool or edgy to peg the Steelers for success, but the bottom line is, they're almost always there in the end. Safest pick each year to make.

2. Baltimore Ravens (10-6, Wild Card)
I went back and forth on 10-6 and 9-7 for the Ravens this season. Like Ray Lewis, the defense is older and may not be as good as advertised this year, but Joe Flacco will take the next step and Ray Rice will contend for the rushing title.

3. Cleveland Browns (8-8)
Trendy team that people are predicting will be good. I tossed that aside, saying, "meh, it's the Browns." Then I looked at their schedule. Looks like they've got something similar to the Cheifs' and Bucs' schedules last season; I don't have them playing a team with a winning record until week nine, and only two overall until five weeks remain. The only problem: four of their last five are against the Steelers and Ravens. Seriously, they close with Ravens, Steelers, Cardinals, Ravens, and Steelers, with three of those final four on the road. How does that happen? So I currently have them pegged to be 8-3 before gacking away the last five. I mean hey, it's the Browns.

4. Cincinnati Bengals (2-14)
This team should be all different types of stinky. Fourteen different types, to be exact.

AFC South

1. Houston Texans (10-6)
Ugh, I hate this pick. I'm a big fan of, "if you've always done something, prove otherwise until I pick it" (whether it's bad or good). And, let's face it, every year, everyone is big on the Texans, and then they let everyone down. I'm proud to say I never fall for this with them, but I mean, with Peyton Manning being out for way longer than we thought, and no other great competition in the division, it's now or never, right? The schedule isn't brutal, either. I think if they can't win this year, they should be forced to contract.

2. Tennessee Titans (7-9)
A big change of culture in Tennessee this year. Obviously, Matt Hasselbeck isn't part of the future, but he should be good enough to not keep them terrible, which had essentially been his career motto in Seattle.

3. Indianapolis Colts (5-11)
I generally pick the Colts the complete opposite of the Texans: prove you won't win all these games and the division, and then I'll pick against you. But with Manning's sudden neck surgery and an uncertainty on when he will return this year, if at all, yikes, they're in trouble. No team needs one player more than the Colts, and we're about to find out why. When the only hope is that an ancient Kerry Collins doesn't get hurt so we don't have to see Curtis Painter, that's trouble. The good news is, they might become so bad that they end up with a top-tier draft pick that they can use for years to come.

4. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-12)
Very odd decision to let David Garrard go right before the season starts, especially when Blaine Gabbert isn't going to be thrown right into the fire. Keeping Maurice Jones-Drew on the field will be their only chance of staying competitive. 

AFC West

1. San Diego Chargers (12-4)
I'm completely buying into the hype, which is strange, because as a fan, I usually don't do that sort of thing, but everything is in place. Barring significant injuries, this is going to be a really tough offense to contain. Philip Rivers has "passing title" written all over him considering the miracles he worked last year throwing to receivers named Seyi Ajirotutu and Legedu Naanee. Replace that with Vincent Jackson and Antonio Gates, and good luck. Plus, the Bolts had a historically bad special teams coverage unit last year, and with the kickoff rule change, added to the fact that no one could be that bad twice, and that adds two or three extra wins to their total. Lastly, put me on record as saying the streak of them starting slow ends this year. They'll win four of their first five and cruise with no true divisional competition. Buy the hype.

2. Kansas City Chiefs (7-9)
The Chiefs benefited from a cupcake schedule last season; this year's isn't so kind. It starts off somewhat innocent, then weeks 11-15 are at the Patriots, home for the Steelers, at the Bears, at the Jets, and home against the Packers. Parlay that with three of four losses against the Chargers and Raiders, plus another random one sprinkled in, and there's nine losses. 

3. Oakland Raiders (7-9)
The offense has a chance to be good, but they'll never be a playoff team again under Al Davis.

4. Denver Broncos (5-11)
Honestly, they're not going to contend anyway. They should have just traded Kyle Orton for a draft pick and let everyone see if Tim Tebow was still worth talking about. If he is, great, that'll sell some tickets and merchandise, and perhaps give them a game plan for the future. If not, then the hype ends and we can move on.