Fake Women Sports Fans: Please Stop

If you are a woman, this article is for you. If you are a man, it is your job to seek out a woman and show her this article.

Now that that's out of the way, this piece comes on the heels of the Yankees' season-ending defeat at the hands of the Detroit Tigers. Look, I'm a Mets fan, so I took great joy in this. But while discussing this over social media, my buddy, Joe Soldano, was upset with another aspect of fanhood after a crushing defeat that most of us know to well: women that pose as big-time sports fans during playoff time to feel socially included. Here's Joe's comment to show you what I mean:

"Girl Yankee Fan: I'm so mad the Yankees lost...wanna watch Real Housewives?

Guy Yankee Fan: -_-

Nothing against girls personally. I know all these girls like to think they're just as big of fans of sports as guys, but it's two completely different worlds. After something like this, our lives are empty for about five months, whereas girls' lives continue like nothing happened in five minutes."

I thought this summed up perfectly how men feel in this situation. My message to girls, and I'm not going to get into a psychoanalysis of this, but men hate women that do that do that, especially because it almost always comes at a bad time. It drives us up a wall, and makes us go into "I don't hit women but if I did I'd start with you" mode. If you are a woman that tries to talk sports to be included in the social hoopla that comes with it, but don't truly know the subject matter, we will notice almost instantly and lose respect for you.

If you are a girl that is a legitimate fan, this need not apply to you. But to the rest of you, and you all know who you are (actually, some of you may not understand which side you are on, and the bottom line is if you don't, you're not a legitimate fan), here's my advice on how you should approach sports from here on out: either go all in, or all out...learn what you're watching, or just hop off the bandwagon. It's fine, we won't be mad. I'm not saying never throw on a game, and it's certainly alright to watch or go to games with others who enjoy sports, but unless you know what you're talking about, keep the comments to a bare minimum. And don't you dare say "Let's go (fill in the blank of successful team)!" in a big game if you haven't spoken about them all year. I can't stress this enough.

Talking about sports is almost like speaking another language; it takes years of watching to learn the vernacular. Failing to understand this point often results in something like this:

Here's what you write online: "Let's go Yankees! Red Socks and Big Poppy suck!!!"

Here's what you sound like to you: "Let's go Yankees! Red Sox and Big Papi suck!!!"

Here's what you sound like to us: "Yay Yankees, score a touchdown goal unit basket! Red Sox suck because they're playing us even though I don't even know anything about them!!! And I hate Big Papi, but why does everyone also hate this David Ortiz guy, lolz?"

So yeah, don't do that. Commenting on sports in public without knowing the lingo is as risky as going to Mexico and trying to survive on the Spanish you learned in sixth grade. Here's me, completely off the top of my head (I was an A student in Spanish from sixth grade through college, by the way), trying to tell someone in Spanish that his cat's pants are on fire...

Me: Los gatos pantelones esta en fuego.
Him: This guy is an idiot

Now, you're probably thinking, "alright, well if my man thinks I sound like an idiot when I talk about sports, I'm not going to listen to him speak of them either. WRONG. Wrong? Yes, wrong. Do you think your husband/boyfriend/booty call wants to hear about how Carla from accounting is such a bitch because she arranged her desk in a yellow and blue pattern and now you're boss commented on how nice it looks even though you already told her that was your idea? Or that on the Real Hookers of New Dorp Beach, Lexus hooked up with Ralphie even though he's already going out with Jenny and has a baby with Alexa? Hell, I got bored just typing that. But we nod our heads and listen to you anyway. Sports is our Real Hookers of New Dorp Beach; if we have to vent, just nod your head and pretend you know what we're talking about, especially when we're upset over it. It means more than you realize.

Here's one final thought. If you find yourself watching a game, getting into it, and feel you must make a social commentary on it, just throw in a disclaimer. Something to the effect of, "I'm not a big football fan, but this Super Bowl is pretty exciting!" Even saying, "I root for the Jets because Mark Sanchez is so sexy," is way better than trying to come off like you've always loved the team and you're a huge fan.

You'll earn a hell of a lot more respect with being honest and forthright. Just keep in mind that the same advice your parents always gave you about life rings true about being a sports fan: don't try and be something that you're not.