Hell in a Cell Thoughts & Opinions

Below is an account of what I took away after watching last night's WWE's Hell in a Cell pay-per-view.

Christian vs. Sheamus [6.5/10]
First off, we see Miz and R-Truth being kicked out by Marty Funkhauser even though they bought a ticket. Super stoked to see them back, and I have a feeling that won't be the last time before the night's over.

As I stated in my Night of Champions review, I generally fast-forward most of Sheamus' matches, but I usually watch Christian's matches, and it was the first match of the night, so it offset. Thought it was actually a pretty good match, Sheamus was the obvious winner...nothing much else to say here since it really didn't leave either character in any direction going forward for the future based off the matchup.

Mark Henry Backstage Interview
I'm attempting to give Henry the benefit of the doubt with this title reign and trying to get behind it, but he has to start showing a little more during these promos between tonight and Smackdown; they just seem a little too scripted. If I were running his segments, I'd let him go out there and improv whatever his topic was, that way we'd find out if he either has it or not on the mic. Odds are he doesn't, but at least we'd know.

Sin Cara vs. Sin Cara [3/10]
Allow me to go on a mini-rant for a moment. Not only have I completely tuned out (in fact, I was never tuned in) on the whole Sin Cara gimmick, but I think everyone else has too. No pop or heat either way, and, as I was hoping would happen, two "boring" chants broke out. The blue and yellow lights are so damn distracting and annoying. You can't have a foreign guy that doesn't speak English trying to get over on his own anymore. The Mexican Lucha style doesn't mix with WWE's face/heel back and forth style. Everyone knows that wrestling is scripted, but the Lucha moves are more often than not too fake. Not to mention half the moves are a modified hurricanrana.

With that off my chest, the babyface Sin Cara wins in a botchfest. A moonsault on the outside was overshot, and a dropkick missed by almost two feet. There may have been another one, I don't remember. Sadly, they still probably won't nix the Sin Cara gimmick because he looks like a cartoon character, is marketable towards children, and apparently they need a "next" Rey Mysterio. I'd suggest looking elsewhere...and getting someone that can speak our language on national television.

David Otunga/CM Punk Backstage Segment
So all of a sudden Otunga is playing up his Harvard law degree, so he transforms into Carlton Banks. Would have thought there would have been a quick mention of the two of them being in New Nexus together recently, but perhaps that's a bit nitpicky. I just wanted to make the Carlton Banks joke. Aaaaand...done.

Air Boom (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger (WWE Tag Team Titltes) [7.5/10]
Alright, finally onto some positives for this event. First off, aside from a five-minute lull where WWE mandates that the heels in a tag team match have to bore the audience with vanilla submissions, this was a good match. Secondly, aside from the fact that I think Kofi and Bourne don't get to talk enough, I feel WWE's effort to rebuild the tag team division has been spot-on, with Air Boom booked in two consecutive rivalries against quality opponents, while winning and retaining as well, thus gaining credibility in the process. WWE was going to need a strong babyface team to help rebuild this thing, and so far, so good. The next step would be to have a more personal, heated feud built around promos and the like, or a solid third team step in, garnering even more credibility with multiple teams vying for those titles at the same time.

Mark Henry (c) vs. Randy Orton (World Heavyweight Championship; Hell in a Cell Match) [5/10]
I'll get to my opinions on the Hell in a Cell as a gimmick match later on, but first let me talk a little more about Mark Henry (that's a sentence I never thought I'd type). I feel the concept of Mark Henry as champ is caught between a rock in a hard place. On one hand, power move driven offense, while dominating and slowly grinding down opponents is exactly how he should be booked as the title holder. The problem with that is, and it's the same problem that every big, power guy has had since the beginning of time: it's boring. No one wants to watch it, and halfway through the match the fans just get tired of even booing, so it doesn't even draw proper heat or get the fans invested in the big babyface comeback.

The other thing that's not helping is that you need a really exciting babyface to be the counter to that in a match. Randy Orton is not that guy. If anything, Orton is negative exciting in that he takes away from the existing excitement wherever he goes. Nineteen times out of twenty, I would have skimmed through this match, but I wanted to see what they would do inside the cell.

Having said all that, the match was booked near-perfect to how it should have went: Henry slowly wearing Orton down, Orton gets one final flurry of offense and possible finisher before being quickly put away with Henry retaining the title to keep building credibility as champ...and it was a total snoozer. This is the conundrum of having a big, slow, powerful heel as champion. Even when done right, it's still boring.

Cody Rhodes In-Ring Promo/Impromtu Match vs. John Morrison [6/10]
I'm still not big on Rhodes (judging by my commentary here, you would think I've hated this night so far, but it actually hasn't been that bad), and I still can't understand why a facial injury somehow made his voice sound like a cross between Kane and the Emperor from Star Wars, which I stated last time. Thought it was interesting that WWE has decided to use a white version of the old Intercontinental belt. Usually I'm cool with bringing back older versions of belts, but I think they got the wrong one here (umm...trash the blinged out WWE title and bring back the winged eagle belt, hello!). I actually really liked the IC title that's been around since the Attitude era.

Marty Funkhauser comes out and explains Triple H has made a match for right now. I love impromtu matches; wish they did more of them on pay-per-views. The match itself was decent, although the outcome made JoMo look weak. Morrison was the equivalent to an NFL team being a three-point underdog at home (being ready to compete while Rhodes was dressed for the country club), and not only losing but not even being able to cover the spread, with Rhodes beating him clean.

Kelly Kelly (c) vs. Beth Phoenix (Divas Championship) [6.5/10]
Thank God, Beth finally won the title...I have no idea what the hell made them take so long. The match wasn't bad; Beth looked good. That submission that her and Natalya have been doing the past week is pretty damn awesome looking. Not to rip Kelly, but she's gotta go; her voice and screams during her matches are like nails on a chalkboard. Plus, she's just not believable as a competitor that you'd take as a serious threat in the ring. Like Mark Henry, but obviously for different reasons, their detriments might not be their fault, but that's the way it goes.

John Cena (c) vs. CM Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio (WWE Championship; Hell in a Cell Match) [7.5/10]
Overall, I felt the match was pretty good for the PG era, I just wish they wouldn't have followed the typical WWE triple threat formula where one guy is injured outside while the other two go at it. The whole night I was hoping someone from either HIAC match would end up outside the cage, so I felt getting Cena out and then locking him out was pretty nifty. I really expected Cena to retain, so I was a little stunned when after winning the title from Del Rio, Alberto won it back. I don't get that, nor do I buy Del Rio as champ.

Again, I don't want to sound nitpicky because I did think the match was good and had a nice pace, but I felt like a lot was left on the table at the end of the match. To me, I was anticipating and hoping that they would find a cool way for Cena to get back in the cell. Maybe I let my imagination get away a bit when I thought maybe he'd climb the cell and somehow get back in through the top, but the bottom line is, I felt that they had a great concept but then dropped the ball by not doing something awesome to get him back in, even if he wasn't going to win. (I understand Cena is no Stone Cold, but you can bet your ass that Austin would have went to the back and drove an actual bulldozer down to the ring through that side of the cage...these are the type of moments that WWE absolutely can make happen now in the PG era, but aren't.)

As for the chaos that took place with the Miz and R-Truth attacking everyone in the cell while the locker room tried to get in at the end, culminating with them giving themselves up for arrest, I thought it was great and, as any great storyteller should do, left the fans wanting more and wanting to know what the hell is going to happen next.

Anyway, before I finish this up, let me share some thoughts on the Hell in a Cell match in general. I think it's overused. A HAIC match should be something that takes place once every few years, making it a true must-see when it happens. How am I supposed to think and feel that these guys' "careers are on the line" and that they'll "never be the same again" when they do two of them a year and everyone comes out fine? Also, a HAIC match is one of the few things in wrestling that flat-out needs blood to personify the cell as a truly demonic being, which WWE always tries to make come across to viewers. If anything, now, in the PG era, would be the perfect time for that. No one ever bleeds anymore. But if it happens in the cell...now that becomes a spectacle where it's believable that people actually are in way more danger than any other match.

Lastly, even if it becomes predictable like it did after the first two or three Hell in a Cell matches, the wrestlers need to leave the cell one way or another. Because when you're watching one, all anyone is thinking about is, "how are they gonna get out of the cell?", and when a match ends and it doesn't happen, there's just an empty feeling like something was missing. I think that's why I felt the way I did about Cena getting back in the cell, because the other half of the equation is, what messed up way are they gonna get back in the cell afterward. They got one part right, but I was left wanting more, and not in the good way.

My overall grade for the even is like a 6/10, which I'd rank about average.